I have spent ages not thinking about what to write but what to name this blog and as you can see I finally went for the above.
The alternatives were
- The darkest hours
- The night that stood still
- I think I’m losing my mind
- What have I done so wrong in my life
When me and Catherine started to date she was already 7 months pregnant. So, we had to make a quick decision to what we wanted this relationship to be because it wasn’t just about me and her we had to think of the William growing inside her belly.
I have always wanted a family and when I met Catherine we hit it of straight away and as soppy as it sounds. I honestly knew, we were meant to meet and be together. We have both had our fair share of heartbreak over the years and I think we both thought we had been in love before but then we met and it instantaneous. We both made our minds up straight away that we wanted this more than anything in the entire world and that we could be a happy family.
How I was so wrong, (Only Joking) But OMG the image of family life I had in my mind was me cat and this little bundle of joy and everything was all happy and cuddles together on the sofa lazy Sundays but that’s what happens in the movies not real life. I’m not being a complete downer on this one it’s still the most amazing journeys of my life but I have learned a lot about myself and over this last year. I honestly feel like I have become a different person. But I am not ashamed to say it, I have had some of my darkest moments during the last 14 months not with cat or with will but with me. I thought i would deal with not sleeping OK, I thought I had patient and could handle dealing with a baby like seriously it can’t be as bad as they all say and OMG I was so so wrong.
The way it makes you feel inside when all you want is your child is to go to sleep and they won’t and it doesn’t matter what you do they just won’t go off and what can you do?
Nothing, well not nothing you can do the many things we tried to get William to sleep
- Trying to reset bed time by doing the entire routine again. Bath, Bottle and bed
- Bringing the buggy upstairs at the 3am in the morning to rock him to sleep
- Lying him on me or cat and rocking back and forth for a million hours
- Ignoring them
- Giving in and going downstairs at 2am and writing that night off
The worst part of all of it is, you’re just trying the do the best for your child, they need sleep and we need sleep to be able to function. You are literally HELPLESS this for me is the worst part, feeling inside like you are on the brink of frustration are screaming at the top of your lungs JUST GO TO SLEEP but on the outside, you are calm and soothing towards your child. Then the tears of defeat trickle down your face because there is nothing else you can do.
Nothing and no one can teach you how to deal with that. I am so lucky that me and Catherine bring up William as a full team effort and we know when to swoop in and let the other have a time out. I have so much admiration for those that either do this on their own or where their other half can’t be there all the time to help.
The reason for writing this is really to help me get through those times when at points all I want to do is get in my car and drive away because I feel like an absolute failure and that cat and William deserve so much more. But I never will.
I also wanted to write this for anyone else who has felt anything like I do at times and know that we are all in this together and we all go through the same.